I am the antithesis of consistency, the polar opposite of dependable.
I say things I want to mean, but the power to live up to my words seems expendable.
I have a gravitational magnetism towards seeking more than I can fathom and a predilection for biting off more bullshit than I spew back out and make believable.
I want a closeness I can feel, I want to remember what its like to comprehend the incoherent colors of another person’s mind.
But as soon as the repressive reach of emotional connection attempts to lock its dexterous grasp around my freedom, I cannot resist drawing back in sincere revulsion at the thought of having to come home to you every night.
I take what I think I want, then put it back in surprised dissatisfaction once I get it.
I know you’re confused baby, join the club. You’re not the only one who doesn’t get it.
Cuz I’m an unintentional shit talker, I break promises unintentionally.
When you tell of sweet love affairs from youth, it’s ok– I already know you won’t mention me.
If we are the sum of our actions, thoughts, and words, what do you equal?
Though individually, a word, a thought, an action can seem insignificant (from a day-by-day, moment-to-moment perspective), but when viewed holistically over the course of a lifespan, their significance is paramount: Every action taken, solidifying our human experiences and existence; Every word spoken, determining/reflecting our character; Every thought conjured, consciously and subconsciously guiding our morals and values.
What did you do, say, or think today? Did it align w the person you think you are, or aspire to be? Better yet, who or what did you allow to influence these essential components of your being… And was it helpful or detrimental? Even still, who did you have that same influence on, in a positive or negative way?
From casual, random contact with a stranger to the complex interactions within a close relationship, each transaction between two human beings influences one person or the other.
It is mind-rupturing to fully consider the level of interconnectedness present among our human race, and our ultimate dependence on each other to survive through the acknowledgement and responsible treatment of this interconnectedness.
I asked myself the above questions tonight, and I was fond of some of my answers, and others…not so much. So what’s next? I don’t know.
For now, sleep.
Life is so much easier lived from a state of isolation, with barriers impenetrable. But even with all the will the soul can muster in pursuit of self preservation, it is impossible to deny our hearts’ desire for connectivity to these flawed beings we call family. These disappointments we call friends. These let downs we call humans. These people we continue to let in, only to tear us down. How I wish I could live life guided by my head instead of my heart– because reason would not let me re-open these unhealed wounds, an act which seems my favorite pastime.